When you’re committed to growing and understanding your behaviors, you begin to pay attention to the things that entertain you, amuse you as well as the things that get you heated. One of my homegirls calls me “pufferfish” because she says I can go from 0-100 and back to 0 in the blink of an eye. When she first called me pufferfish, I laughed. I still laugh, but it also reminds me to pay attention to my reactions.
Well, last summer, I completely neglected any attempt to think before reacting. In the end, I looked like an asshole.
Back Story on My Reactions
Michigan, like a lot of other states, was shut down in March 2020 due to COVID-19. For maybe 3 months, my family and I, like everyone else, had been sheltering in place. No interaction with family and friends. Nothing.
Around June, we started visiting one of our cousins and pretty much turned it into a weekly thing. Again, all of us were on the shut-in list so we felt pretty safe to be around each other.
So we’re visiting, eating dinner, having a few adult beverages, and I hear someone ask my husband, “What’s Kam’s last name?”
Well, my son’s name is Kam so instantly I think why the fuck wouldn’t our son’s last name be the same as our last name? I proceed to go off. And I mean AWF, OK!
So, after I get done, the person who asked the question said, “I was not talking about your son. I was asking about one of our friends.” Have you ever seen the Chappelle skit, “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong”? Yup. That was me.
At that moment, I felt like the biggest jerk to ever walk the face of this Earth. Within 10 seconds, I went from one end of the spectrum to the other end because I then had to humble myself and apologize for flipping out.
The group still laughs about this, but I have to be honest and say that I was embarrassed by my behavior. That situation didn’t warrant that type of response from me and it concerned me enough that made me sit and really think about what I said and why I said it.
It Was Me, Sis!
Before I get into “we,” I’m going to talk about me. I was raised by a single mother along with my two younger brothers. We didn’t have much, but I can’t remember a day or a time where we missed a meal. So in essence, we had what we needed but being a young girl dealing with the things that young girls deal with while not having the same resources or options as some of my peers, created a level of seclusion which then gave me the attitude of “I don’t take shit from nobody and I dare you to say something to me.”
Sure, I had a few friends but if I didn’t mess with you, I didn’t mess with you! For years, I was the girl with the bad attitude that we thought was cute when we were younger but as I got older, I was able to recognize exactly what it was. It was a defense mechanism that I had adopted to protect myself from getting hurt. Rejection for not fitting in or not feeling included because I didn’t “have” or just not being sure of myself. If I forced myself to believe that I always had the upper hand, I couldn’t lose. If I jabbed you before you jabbed me, you would hit the floor. Not me.
Last year, I was also told that I use my words as weapons. Normally, I would’ve taken this as a compliment. All I had growing up were my words so I agreed with the statement but in context, I felt bad because those words that I hold so dear and that I’m so proud of, are the same words that I would use as a forcefield to protect myself but in the end, would hurt people who I love and care about.
All of these scenarios made me sit back and admit that it wasn’t everyone else. It was me.
See, when people who you are close to start saying the same thing, you have to make a choice to listen and change or ignore them and keep doing what you’ve been doing. Everybody ain’t lying and everybody ain’t a hater. The people who are communicating with you are genuinely concerned and care but at some point, when their concerns fall on deaf ears, they’re going to walk away from you. Then you can be an asshole to yourself and not worry about ever apologizing to anyone again.
Self-Reflection Questions
It’s all about growth, but we have to be open to not being perfect and not having all of the answers. We have to be open to change, and we have to be open to being better for ourselves. I asked myself these questions last week:
- Would you:
- Be with you?
- Be friends with you?
- Want to spend time with you?
- If someone said to you what you said to them how would you feel?
You live with yourself every day and if you don’t like what you see once you’ve reflected, imagine what it’s like for others. Look in that mirror and do the work.