This week, the internet was shocked by the news of Tia Mowry and Cory Hardrict’s divorce after 14 years of marriage. Then news of Miguel and his wife and Tom Brady and his wife followed. Like any other traumatic yet gossip-worthy news that surface – think pieces began to flood all social platforms. Many were questioning marriage others were accusing the men of cheating.
Here’s the thing:
Divorce happens every day, B.
Cheating is not always at the center of it. So, what did we do? We did a little research and engaged in a little conversation. Simply, we asked the simple question, “Why did you get a Divorce?”
Here’s what we discovered:
“I didn’t respect him anymore.”
I still love him, but I lost respect for him. He hurt me in a big way, and I could see myself in the future, holding him up to what he did in the past, and you know, kind of feeling like he owed me things because of how he hurt me. Resenting him. And I didn’t want that type of relationship. If we were to bring children into our lives, I did not want them to see that kind of relationship without any respect.
My ex-husband is smart. He has a great reputation professionally. When he’d talk to me about his day and his achievements, I wasn’t impressed anymore. I did not care. I didn’t celebrate him. I had lost respect for him. And I felt his credibility was decreased despite his tangible achievements. In my eyes, this man had lost credibility. No amount of certificates, trophies, or increase in pay would sway my mind or keep me from staying in the marriage.
— M. 31, California
“We grew in opposite directions, never together.”
Divorce wasn’t my choice. But, when I decided to get married, I lived in “what it could be.” So, my reality wasn’t true. It was more possibility or perspective. When things began to fail or become questionable – I failed to see it for what it was. Our ability to communicate effectively was nonexistent. Ultimately, we grew in opposite directions… never together.
— A. 38, Michigan
“I didn’t want my kids to have a blueprint of an unhealthy relationship.”
One of the things that finally pushed me over was thinking about what I would want my daughter to do if she was in that situation. Our relationship was unhealthy. Someone asked me that question, which was a punch in the stomach. All the air got sucked out of me, and I thought, I do not want my daughter to be making this choice to stay in this situation. We were making the blueprint for what our kids would have in their minds for a marriage relationship. I didn’t want to lay down this unhealthy blueprint and have them continue this cycle.
— A. 41, Virginia
“It was a snowball of events.”
There were so many different seasons of our marriage. There wasn’t one specific reason for the divorce. It was a snowball of events that happened within a 15-year period. Wisdom has taught me- every marriage isn’t a God-ordained marriage. Divorce is inevitable when you marry outside of God’s will.
—S. 44, Michigan
“There was no forward movement.”
The marriage wasn’t working, and I was the only one working on it. We had been having some problems. We initially went to counseling. He left after hearing things he didn’t want to hear. Counseling isn’t easy. People must be prepared to hear things they don’t want to know about themselves sometimes. There was no forward movement. The more arguing, I realized this is not a good situation for our kids. It took me a long time, but I finally decided I was going to get a lawyer and leave. We kept arguing, and it couldn’t be resolved. There was an impasse. I always say that my marriage didn’t suffer what I call a sudden death, like an affair or an addiction. Mine suffered what I call a long-term illness. He dismissed what was important to me. He didn’t respect me.
— C. 54, D.C.
So, you see, infidelity is not the center of these stories. Self-realization is. Desiring more is. Divorce is the end of a chapter but not the end of the story. AND actually, it happens in more scenarios than platonic relationships. Instead of creating fake scenarios of why marriages end, take some time to think about what you may need to divorce.