Mirror, Mirror

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the prettiest of them all?

I used to believe it was me when I stared in the mirror. But I’m going to be 1,000% vulnerable and share something with you all. I honestly feel like the swan turned ugly duckling sometimes. Weird right, but most days it’s hard to feel beautiful in a relationship that makes you feel the ugliest. Before I got with Fabio, I loved taking pictures and selfies all the time – I didn’t think twice about it but not anymore. What most people don’t see is the pain, and that’s the same pain I wear in my face, my eyes, and even my body language.

Seeing Me Through the Mirror, Mirror

So when I take pictures now, I always try to make sure it’s not a day when Fabio and I are fighting because I hate looking like I don’t feel good. Most times I have to take 100 pictures before I’m satisfied and most likely I’m still not happy with it. When I look at those pictures all I see is pain, hurt, a tired being, FABIO. In my mind, I feel that’s what everyone else sees too, but all they see is Shawnta.

People always tell me the one you’re with is supposed to make you feel like the prettiest girl in the world, and Fabio does the total opposite. I’m very self-conscious because I’m swollen all the time, so sometimes I look chunky and I don’t like it. So for a very long time, I stopped taking pictures or if I did I never posted them.

Find the Beauty

But eventually, I got fed up with allowing Fabio to turn me into an ugly duckling. So I had to figure out how to get my SWAN VIBES back. Well for starters, I had to accept and believe I see Fabio in pictures because he’s a part of me and that’s still a beautiful thing. Just because I see him and others don’t, they get to see Shawnta. I had to start appreciating the beauty in my pain, remembering that on the days I still overcame, I overcame getting out of bed when all I wanted to do was sleep and getting dressed and putting forth an effort, and doing what I do best – being fly.

The clothes or the hair don’t make me or wear me – I wear them. I had to realize my strength in itself is beautiful, and I wear that very proudly so if I look chunky that means I have a little extra strength that day. If Fabio shows through my smile and facial expressions, it means I’m still strong because I’m pushing through literally at that moment, refusing to let him win. So every day I make sure I remind myself: I am beautiful despite Fabio. I am stronger because of him, and I love me way more because of all we go through.

What I Know

My beauty will always shine from the inside out. Fabio doesn’t have the power to control my black girl magic unless I give it to him, and I’ve decided to take my power back. Moving forward, always know you are beautiful despite what the physical may be experiencing. Don’t let those insecurities defeat you, instead turn it into something positive that will make you feel finer LOL. So all I ask is the next time you see me or see a picture I post, still see me. Don’t look for Fabio – his leading role privileges have been revoked.