So, it all started as a little crush! I use to walk thru the halls and just be like “He is so F I N E”. He was light skin, an athlete, a comedian and just an all-around cool guy. But this cool guy didn’t notice me… he noticed a classmate, They dated. I left the school. I thought nothing else about it.
And then, he became my facebook friend. We started messaging one day and somehow we exchanged numbers. Whoa! Life changed that day I was sooo geeked. He was now a Freshman in college and I was a senior in high school. Like all “relationships” in high school, we texted all day and talked all night. LIke ALL NIGHT, until one of us (usually me) fell asleep on the phone – because we never wanted to say goodnight. Then I would wake up to a cute little text! I remember him singing (more like saying) Chris Brown’s I Wanna Be lyrics to me:
The last number you call late at night (said I wanna be), The first one that you dial when you open your eyes. Wanna be the one you run to, wanna be the one that ain’t gonna hurt you,
I wanna be yeah, I wanna be yeah.. Be the man making your girl jealous,
be the guy shuttin’ down all the fellas.. whatever you need, girl, it’s all on me:
soldier, your friend or your lover, girl, I wanna be…
With his words… I felt wanted.
He was consistently telling me, he wanted to be with me. He loved me. He would “die” for me. He started saying all the things my 17-year-old self, wanted to hear. I had never experienced feelings like this before.
So, With his words…. I fell in love.
I felt like I was in heaven and nothing or no one could knock me down from this cloud. So I thought.
While I was stuck on this cloud, things were beginning to change. We would go days without talking. He would apologize. I would accept. This was becoming our new norm… until days became weeks. It had gotten to a point where we had to ask each other were we still together. We agreed we were and it got better.
But then…. our conversations changed. His words became destructive instead of comforting. It was always about how much weight I was gaining or how ugly I was. Until this moment. I had always thought I was a cute girl… never really saw myself have any self-esteem issues. I mean, I’m the girl who would stare at herself in the mirror and just smile and pose like I was taking pictures. However, when the one you gave your heart to…. keeps saying it, there must be some truth, right? My appearance wasn’t the only issue… Whenever I tried expressing to him how him saying these things hurt my feelings, I was too sensitive and needed to just shut up….and I would.
With his words… I lost my voice.
I lacked the confidence in myself to speak up. I lacked confidence in my looks. I lacked confidence in who I was.
Today, I am happy I gained it all back. My voice. My confidence. My identity. Looking back on this relationship (if we can call it that), I’m thankful God saw fit for me to go through and get through it. We’ve all heard the saying, “Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words may never hurt me.” His words did more than hurt me, they damaged me. It took me a while to recover but God’s words mended me.
I said all this to say… Don’t allow “His Words” to take value over God’s. God’s words are what really matters.
#keepstruttin