NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT I WOULD LOSE YOU AT THE AGE OF 7.
NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THE PAIN WOULDN’T GO AWAY.
NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE FOREVER.
On February, 28th, 1998, I did. I had to say goodbye forever. I remember that day like it was yesterday, waking up alone with only one thing on my mind, everything my father and I was going to do! I was so excited. That excitement quickly turned into a tragedy. NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THE BOND WE SHARED WOULD BE LOST. Imagine at the age of 7, feeling hopeless, seeing your father unresponsive and lifeless. I did the only thing that made sense to me, which was to call my favorite cousin and notify them. Before I knew it we were at the hospital and all I remember the doctors saying is, “We weren’t able to save him.”
Filled with so many emotions, hurt, sad, lost and helpless… but I hid them all. I felt like I had to be strong, for myself. No one really knew how I was feeling, I couldn’t put it into words. I felt like I lost a part of me and there was no getting him back. I was his babygirl, his mini me. He couldn’t go anywhere without me, I always wanted to tag along. Though my father wasn’t your typical “perfect man” he was perfect to me. Besides being in and out of jail and always being the daredevil that he was; he still made sure he was there for his family. He did whatever he could to make sure we all were happy. Once he was gone, my mom had to take on more responsibilities.
NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT MY MOTHER WOULD BE A SINGLE PARENT.
NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT MY LIFE WOULD BE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THE DAY I LOST HIM.
NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT HOW EMOTIONAL I WOULD BE AND STILL TRY TO HIDE IT.
NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THE IMPACT MY FATHER PLAYED IN MY LIFE WOULD STILL EFFECT ME MORE THAN A DECADE LATER.
18 years later, I’m still affected by that day. From relationships, family, how I deal with my feelings and life in general I haven’t been able to go back to the seven year old me. I tried counseling, but I still couldn’t put my true feelings into words. I still can’t fathom living without my Daddy. NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT I WOULDN’T HAVE MY FATHER TO WALK ME DOWN THE ISLE OR SHARE DADDY DAUGHTER DANCE AT MY WEDDING. Not being able to have him here for the most important life events I have encountered and will encounter doesn’t make grieving any easier. It almost seems to get worse and worse the older I get.
NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT I WOULD BE FATHERLESS.
Though, being a fatherless daughter is not easy I have countless memories to hold on to from the seven years we shared. Along with being able to stand on my own and go out and get things done. For that, I am thankful. I have more of a push knowing that I’m doing this is for my father and I’m doing this for my mother!