I’m asked quite often when or how soon I plan to get married and have children. I assume it’s because I am months away from turning 30. Can you relate? I know some people may not mean anything by it, but sometimes it seems as if they’re assuming something is wrong with me because I’m not a mother or wife yet. When I tell people that for the last five years I’ve been sustaining from sex (until marriage) I receive looks of shock or statements made such as “wow”, “that’s a long time”, or “how is that possible?”
Do I desire to get married and have kids? Absolutely! Even though that’s my heart’s desire I have come to the realization that it’s not my time. That doesn’t mean that it’s not on my mind. Over time I have learned what it means to maximize the season that I am currently in, which is singleness. I’ve gone through a process of becoming content. I’m growing closer to God in my twenties and allowing Him to fill me with His love. I’ve compared my love timeline to others, but I had to learn that everyone is unique and that no two stories are the same.
Becoming content has not always been easy and if I am being honest, the closer I get to turning 30 there are moments that I feel myself wanting to rush the process. I have learned to give my emotions back to God. So even if I have an emotional moment, I will not allow myself to stay in that place.
I’ve dealt with loneliness, isolation, rejection and the idea that I wasn’t good enough. It was important that I took the time to determine where my feelings and emotions originated. I was able to connect it to my childhood without my father. This was a result of me not meeting my father until two months shy of my 16th birthday. Only having three face-to-face interactions with my father and last seeing him at 17 years old was the source of all those feelings.
A girl’s first glimpse of how to be treated by a man should come from her father. I didn’t have that so I sought other things to fill the void. During my mid-twenties I had a moment where I realized that I had some unresolved bitterness, anger, and resentment toward my father. I tried shopping for temporary satisfaction. I even had relationships with people that I knew would not amount to anything.
In May of 2012, I decided enough was enough. I decided that I would no longer pursue meaningless relationships and I would get to know Jemeia. I made a decision to start maximizing my single season because I knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I focused my energy on attending church, serving, traveling, furthering my education, increasing my credit score, and progressing in my career. I celebrated what I had instead of what I didn’t. I traveled to multiple countries, graduated with my Master’s degree, purchased my first home, continued my career in healthcare, and grew my faith and relationship with God.
At this point in my life, I would often hear “you are doing the things I wish I could have at your age”, “you are busy”, “and do you ever sit down?” Although I understood that those statements were coming from a good place, I started to feel like if I was too busy doing all of these things I could end up remaining single. My friends from childhood, college, work, and church all seemed to be in phases of being in relationships, getting married, having kids, etc. I felt myself starting to make comparisons and wondering why it was happening for them and not me. I started to question if I needed to do less.
Quite honestly, I began to magnify being single to the point where it became “an idol” instead of focusing on who/what could give me all I want and all I need. I started asking myself what’s next or convincing myself that I’m not doing enough.
Over the last year and a half, I’ve seen my growth and maturity as a woman of God. I am not perfect by any means, but I am learning to seek God first. Trusting His timing over my life and being okay with not knowing every single detail are things that I’ve improved on. Being content is a continual process and it is not something that will just happen overnight.
So as I am months away from turning 30, I am excited about what’s to come. If you related to my story in any way I would like you to join me in a challenge.
Let’s command ourselves to be purpose driven and to own that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Let’s command ourselves to walk in boldness and without fear. Let’s command ourselves to seek wisdom and discernment as we enter into this next season of our lives. Let’s command ourselves to live without placing unrealistic expectations on ourselves. Let’s command ourselves to let God lead our lives and to take each day as they come.