My story…. My story is based on the building of my faith and changing of my mindset and language.
I’m just like a lot of women who don’t have a relationship with my biological father. For a while, I blamed myself for him not loving me. No one ever explained or talked to me about how you will always have a void in your heart. To get a little deeper I have siblings that I don’t know that are in the system. That made me feel like wow somebody is always going to be the big sister I never got the chance to be. I used to pray everyday that God would remove the hatred from my heart because I hated him. I hated my Father. I used to cry myself to sleep everyday. But I realized God didn’t answer my prayers because I hadn’t fully forgiven him.
But after 21 years I could talk about it and not cry. Because of the love I missing from him, I loved wholeheartedly. I yearned to give what I felt like I was missing… love. I became a giver.
In 2012, I was in a car accident. At the scene, it did not appear deadly. The extreme pain that still haunts me three years later says otherwise. I did not know that in that moment, my life would change. From severe migraines, to neck and back aches on the regular, I was mad at the world… I did not understand. I could not fathom, why me. Why was this was happening to me? Sometimes, I would just sit in my car so frustrated, I would blow my horn and cry. I had to figure out some way to get rid of my tears and cope with the pain. So when I felt like giving up or couldn’t handle the pain I would take my dog Foxxy for a walk and just cry and pray. Sometimes I had to take more that one walk. Sometimes, I just had to pray.
I had to learn that you are your best when you are at your lowest point because that’s how God test your faith. Will you still praise him when life isn’t rainbows? Will you still love him, when it seems like he’s forgotten about you? I’m learning to be patient and wait on God. He loves me. He’ll never forget about me.
The love that I was missing from my biological father, God gives me. The void in my heart from my biological father, God fills. Everyday I get up and pray that God gives me strength. I encourage myself because it could be worse.
Prayer is the key that unlocks all of my potential and understanding. It has become my language of thanks and appreciation for God. I know life takes love, faith and prayer.