Have you ever felt so alone, like no one could help you? Have you ever been in such a difficult situation that you felt as though you may never make it out alive? Well, I have. I should have left him right then and there my pride would NOT let me admit to anyone that I made a mistake by marrying him. I did NOT want to raise my son without a father. I was a prisoner of own thoughts and actions. So I stayed. I actually believed that, if I didn’t argue, didn’t yell at him, gave in to him, and did whatever he wanted me to do, that there wouldn’t be any more fighting. I was WRONG. When he didn’t have a reason to fight with me, he started to look for one. When that didn’t work, he INVENTED reasons, I was a few minutes late coming in from work, the baby cried too much, I didn’t pay attention to him when he wanted me to. It didn’t take much. Nothing I did was good enough and the fights continued. This is the first time that I have shared my full story with anyone but I’m sharing it in hopes of helping someone else and possibly saving someone’s life. I do not have it all figured out, I’m not perfect and I still struggle with this daily but I thank God every day that I am alive to share this story. I found healing by sharing my story but it took years of courage to get to this point. I will never forget the day that my now ex-husband and I were sitting in the car laughing and joking and I received a call from my mom, well I didn’t think anything of it so I answered and as soon as I hung up the phone he started arguing and cursing me out. He was so angry and I will NEVER forget the rage that he had in his eyes. He then choked me because I “disrespected him” by answering that call. That was the first time that he was physically abusive towards me but it was not the first time that he was verbally abusive. I was young and wanted to make things work because I was “in love.” This happened in 2004. In 2005, we had our first child and things were not going well at all. After delivering our son and still in the hospital bed in pain, he cursed me out because he did not like the name WE picked out for our son and refused to sign the birth certificate if I did not change his name…long story short I did not change my son’s name. Our son was about 2 months old and I wanted to end things because I was tired of fighting with him. He came to visit at my mom’s house and she was not home at the time and when I suggested that we take a break for a while to figure things out he became very irate. I was every name in the book and he said that he would not leave without his son. He fought me while I was holding my baby and snatched him out of my hands and dropped him…you would think that that would have been the end of us.

Fast forward, one month after we were married the police were at our home for a domestic dispute. I took our son and went to stay with my mother for a few days, well until things “calmed down.” In 2009, we had our second child. While in the hospital, a group of nurses came in to speak with me and they requested to speak with me alone, I didn’t see anything wrong with it so I agreed…that was a bad idea because he cussed me out for sending him out and for not asking if it was ok with him first. He left me in the hospital and told me that I disrespected him and that he would pick me and the baby up when it was time to leave. I felt hopeless, confused and alone. About 3 weeks after we came home with the new baby he flipped out and to this day I still do not understand what I did that upset him. I just remember that I was still in stitches from having the baby and that I was trying to leave and go to my mother’s house, he refused to let me leave with the baby and the altercation ended up outside. He took the keys to the car and broke my phone and I ran to a neighbor’s house to get help. He went to jail. This was getting so old but yet I stayed in hopes of things getting better. Things got worse!!!

Stay tuned for Part II…