Today, I woke up feeling something I’ve never experienced before – RAGE!
My emotions are all over the place. I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop being angry. How can I deal with all this and get my game face ready so I can go to work????
As the day goes on and my pain intensifies, my blood fills with more and more RAGE. I don’t know if I want to punch someone in the face, break something, or just stream to the top of my lungs. I can’t push through this, not today. If someone looks at me wrong, I might flip so it’s best I go handle this.
I left work early and like usual had a moment in the car, but this moment was different. I had to have a talk with Fabio and God. All I could say to Fabio was:
I HATE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART and I don’t know why you won’t just leave. This shit is getting out of hand. You have been beating my ass for over 2 weeks now, and we were just in the hospital Friday but obviously, that wasn’t enough for you. I am tired of being in this pain. I am tired of your shit. I’m tired of being frustrated. I’m tired of being emotional and angry. I’m just tired, Fabio.
For once, I just want to be able to stick to the things I commit to. I just want my body back. I want my mind back. We fight all the damn time when it comes to keeping my sanity. I don’t want to battle or fight anymore. I’m tired of talking about you; so from here on out, I refuse to talk about you or vent about you. JUST FUCKING GO AWAY, PLEASE!!
Talking to Fabio just made me angrier. So of course, I start crying and now it’s time to talk to God.
“Lord, I’m in a RAGE, and I’ve never been this fucking angry before, excuse my language. With tears falling, I’m pleading – I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be frustrated to the max like this. This level of anger is scary. Lord, I wish I could just give Fabio to someone else for one fucking day, just one day, excuse my language.
Then I thought,
Lord, I’m sorry, that’s not nice. I really don’t want to give him to anyone. I wouldn’t wish this pain, frustration, or now RAGE on anyone. I take that back. But I’m losing it. I need to just try and sleep it off and pray I wake up a happier person because this is not me and I don’t like it. Just leave me alone and let me be.
I have to unplug from everything and everyone because my negative Nancy vibe is not it at all and I refuse to transfer this angry energy to anyone – they don’t deserve it. My issue is Fabio, not them.
So please if you don’t hear from me for a while, don’t take it personally. I have to take care of myself and try not to let this RAGE take over. Just know it’s not always easy pushing through. Sometimes, you push so much you run out of strength to push anymore. You run out of energy trying to keep it together.
At this point, I feel defeated and empty!!!