Oftentimes, we allow people to control our emotions and place us in very unhealthy mindsets. When you’re genuine you place others feelings before your own and you somehow become trapped. I am a firm believer in blessings but also a firm believer in “whatever is meant to be, will be”. At 25 I was blessed with the exciting news of being a mother but that was shortly taken away from me. I was suffering in a damaging relationship and maybe God knew that baby couldn’t survive in such a toxic situation. I loss my baby but God makes no mistakes. I cling to my faith and I realize my worth. It takes drowning and suffering sometimes to realize you gotta swim to the other side and find peace. I pour my heart out and I write this letter to my angel up above.
To my beloved unborn child,
I am numb as I even write this letter.. I should be putting your crib together and making space in the closet for your clothes. I should be preparing for little sleep, well I hardly sleep anyway, your feeding times and sharing joy with family and friends because of your arrival. Here I am fighting these demons and grief of losing you.
I randomly hear your little laugh or imagine myself tickling those toes. I imagine myself rocking you and singing to you as you smile in your sleep, you smile the most when I sing twinkle twinkle little star. I can feel your warm touch sometimes when I lay still. I imagine myself brushing your hair.. for some reason my heart says you were a baby girl, my baby girl.
Sometimes God has a way of making things better even when it doesn’t make sense. God saved you. He knew that the world wasn’t the place for you right now. Daddy was not ready for you pumpkin and mama is so sorry for being so selfish in the beginning and choosing to entertain negativity rather than your wellbeing. So quickly you came and so quickly you left.
When I found out about you, I would just talk to you and rub my belly.. you were such a good princess, you didn’t make mama sick. I cried the first time I seen the ultrasound and heard your little heart beating. I couldn’t believe you were actually in there. I prayed and I didn’t want your little heart to ache, I didn’t want you to question your worth and I didn’t want the hurt I feel to harden your heart.
Mama still prays for you and I ask God to carry your soul and give it to someone deserving of your love and light. I pray you one day are born and know what real love is. Mama loves you today, tomorrow and forever my sweet baby. Don’t forget about daddy and please don’t be mad at him, continue to watch over him.. hug his soul tight little one. See you in my dreams.